EDUCATION:
"I chose not to take the PSAT because, well, the test is wrong, I tell you. It's just plain wrong. Well, plus I had a killer hangover. But that isn't the point. The point is it's just one more way to divide the poor from the rich, the educated from the not, the workers from the slackers. And, as a champion defender of the slacker community, I find it offensive! I mean, where does the Educational Testing Service get off telling the higher learning institutions of this country who's smart and who's not? If such a system had been in place during my slacker hero Albert Einstein's day, he no doubt would have blown the "vocab" section -- thereby causing his self-esteem to take a nose dive in spite of an outstanding performance on the "math" section. Had his colleagues seen his pathetic combined score, they never would have taken him seriously. Convinced that he would amount to nothing, the greatest theoretician of our time would have wound up flipping burgers at some late 19th century greasy spoon" - Capenet, issue #101

CRIME
"It's ironic isn't it? That a guy like me, who comes from a long line of law enforcement, should be so outspokenly against the current system?…Spending a night in jail didn't teach me a damn thing. And thanks to the aforementioned family occupation, after the other kiddies got to go home to their various disappointed parents, dear old dad decided a night in the local Capeside slammer ought to straighten me out. Hello! No lecture? No talk to discuss what problems I might be having that led me down such a destructive path? A poker hand with Doug and a night away from the Witter asylum is supposed to somehow make me understand the dangers of too much partying? And we wonder why we've got such a high crime rate in this country…" - Capenet, issue #107

FAMILY VALUES
"My dad's idea of bonding is taking pot shots at me in front of his drinking buddies at some shoreside dive. Then there's my closet-case brother. No matter how many times I've let him know that I will gladly embrace his homosexuality, he insists on stifling his natural impulses and instead generally ends up screaming at me and waving that police-issued .45 at me. And dad thinks I'M the screwed up son? Deputy Doug follows Dad around like a lapdog and gleefully jumps at every remote sign of praise dad deigns to toss his way. And between the two of them, the rest of my family pales in comparison. Rules of the house inevitably subjugate the females (whose purpose my dad sees as to take care of his cooking and cleaning), and myself (whose purpose is to provide him with a generally metaphoric but sometimes literal punching bag). But there is one small consolation in all this. The dog likes me best. And as for me? Well, I like the dog best." - Capenet, issue #102

LITERACY
"I can't say I've actually read a book that I'd deem "worthy" of canonization with the possible exception of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and a few Choose Your Own Adventures. But I blame school - for doling out a series of lackluster shelf warmers that aren't likely to inspire me to improve my reading track record." - Capenet, issue #105

MORALITY
"An anonymous friend and I came to the same conclusion: That while sex is good-and a basic instinctual need for all living things, I might add - love is another story entirely. "Love" is something we humans use to justify sex, which somewhere along the way, someone decided was "bad" otherwise. So this friend and I decided to embark upon something we'd only heard about: A purely sexual, emotion-less, commitment-less relationship. Filling each other's basic needs was the goal of the situation." - Capenet, issue #103

WOMEN'S ISSUES
"First of all, any class that separates the boys from the girls has some serious problems. I mean, what are you supposed to look at?" - Capenet, issue #111

SUBSTANCE ABUSE
"I do not, repeat, do not advocate underage drinking. It's a bad idea for a number of reasons, and if you don't believe me, those of you who were present might recall Dawson Leery's 16th birthday party disaster to get an idea what I'm talking about." - Capenet, issue #107

FOREIGN POLICY
"I could rant about the excessive coverage of the Elian Gonzales nonsense (send him back…please! I can't take one more "special report")." -Capenet, issue #113